Sins I Doubt, Songs I Know
by Dean'sNerdyAngel
Summary: Jonathan lets go of his doubts, falling in love with the little boy without realizing it. baby!Clark. 7th and 8th part of the baby!clark drabbles.
1. Chapter 1

**More baby!clark reflecting off Jonathan's thoughts and feelings. A bit corny, but hey, I try. Let me know what you think!**

It didn't used to be like this- It used to be just him and Martha. Longingly hoping for a child. Trying again and again, pushing through the disappointment and agony of failing just for the hope of a little person running around in their quiet home.

Now that someone was here, now, staring up at him from the kitchen floor, eyes wide with awe. Chubby fingers clenched into fists, squeezing the toy spaceship he never let go, little toes wiggling against the red socks. An over-sized shirt the only thing covering him. A mop of dark hair matted his forehead.

If he was scared, he didn't show it. He smiled…a lot. Mostly at Martha. Now she was bustling around, making sure everything was perfect for the boy.

Clark.

Two hours ago he'd been named in the spar of the moment. He wasn't the "sweet little boy in the cornfield from the spaceship" anymore. He was little Clark. And Jonathan honestly could not grasp his mind around it.

He was scared.

Scared that if he just got a little too attached, stared into those bright eyes a little too long, he'd fall in love just as he did with Martha those years ago. And someone took him away…

He wouldn't be able to bear it. He was an alien, maybe, but he all Jonathan saw was that little grin. Not to mention it would break Martha's heart, too.

No, they wouldn't keep him.

* * *

><p>Jonathan knew that he was too big of a softie, especially when it came to Martha. After an entire, exhausting night debating on what to do, Martha had won.<p>

_Pa wasn't kidding when he said the wives always win. _Jonathan grumbled, but he was smiling. Jonathan was still scared, had his doubts, the questions of the alien child…

It'd been 6 days since Clark had been accepted into their home, and the entire house was a flurry of activity.

And surprisingly, it seemed to be like every other person who had adopted a child. A human child. Was he getting enough to eat, and eating the right foods? How long was he supposed to sleep?

He acted like a regular 3 year old, giggling and getting into things he wasn't supposed to. He'd only just started talking, no more than 4 days ago. He'd been picking up on English pretty well, and Jonathan and Martha helped him as much as they could.

_"Momeeee!_" he squealed as Jonathan attacked him from behind, lifting him up off the ground from his toys and holding him up into the air. "Daddy's gettin' meeeee!"

"Hey, little man, I just wanted to….give you a tickle attack!" Jonathan grinned, sitting down on the floor with the struggling toddler. He grinned even wider as Clark burst out laughing as Jonathan tickled his neck and tummy until his cheeks were red with the exertion of his laughter.

"Boys, lunch!" Martha called from the kitchen.

Jonathan lifted Clark into his arms and lifted his shirt to blow a raspberry on his tummy, making Clark squeal and giggle uncontrollably again.

"Daddy, hungwy! Stoooop!" Clark cried, clenching his fists and softly tapped on his arm, letting him know that he wanted food, and he wanted it now. "Hungwy!"

"Okay, Clark, you're free." Jonathan said as he placed Clark on a booster seat in the kitchen table, who took a huge bite out of his sandwich.

"You're good with him."

Jonathan turned to his wife and pecked her cheek, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I thought I'd be as awkward as I was on the day we found him for the next few months."

They didn't say anything for a moment, just snuggled close to each other and watched Clark eat and stare out the window, studying the cows.

"Do you wonder what you would do if I let you have your way?" Martha finally asked, her voice slightly strangled at the thought of her new baby being taken away.

Jonathan swallowed a lump in his throat and kissed his wife's hair. "No. Even if I did get my way, I'd be standing there without knowing what to do and end up asking for your advice."

He knew Martha was smiling as he rested his chin on her red hair.

"There's no point in wondering in what can't be undone."

**A/N: We get more of an inside look of Jonathan's angst next chapter. Not sure where exactly it will go from there. Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow or late tonight.**


	2. Chapter 2

**WARNING: Disturbing dream.**

_The alien is smiling in Jonathan's arms._

_Jonathan deposits the bundle of dark hair and warm body on a blanket on the ground. _

"_I found him in the field. There was a ship." And the crowd nods, staring at the boy like it was a parasite. Jonathan takes a step back._

_"Dig a hole," one orders, and they do._

_This is acceptable in the green-grey aftermath of the most horrific day of their lives, and when the man raises the gun, Jonathan doesn't protest._

_Sunlight reflects off dark hair and the dust-tinged barrel of a gun, before the sharp sound of a bullet penetrates, echoing through his head._

* * *

><p>Jonathan gasped, eyes snapping open. There's tears streaming down his cheeks. His heart pounded. He looked over at his wife, who was still softly sleeping.<p>

It felt like a hand was clenching his heart, and Jonathan managed to swallow his dread until he reached Clark's room. He peeked inside to see the living, breathing little toddler.

It was then he let out a shuddering sob. The dream had felt so real, and so…possible. If the town knew where he could come from, they wouldn't turn him in to the government. No, they'd have the grace to end its misery, to join all those people who died in the meteor shower.

Would he have let them? Back on that day? So unsure, so distrustful?

He didn't want to remember. The echo of the gun shot pounded with his heart, along with the disturbing…dead look of the boy's face. Losing strength in his legs, he collapsed to the floor, holding his head in his hands. Jonathan was a strong man, and it wasn't often he cried. But the dream, the doubt of the adoption, and what he had caused to the Rosses had taken its toll and by the time he had cried himself out he found he had set a new determination.

Never, would the boy leave them. Jonathan would never give Clark up. He'd always protect him, no matter what the cost, and he knew Martha already felt the same way.

Taking a deep breath and calming himself, he found that all he had to forget his own dread of the meteor shower was to watch the boy, sleeping peacefully on his bed. Jonathan swallowed hard, and found himself smiling as he walked toward Clark, leaning next to him and brushing the hair across his forehead.

"I love you so much, Clark. I don't know when it happened, or how, but I do. And I promise you, little guy, I'm gonna protect you. Me, and your mother, we're gonna keep you, feed you, play with you…and we'll be right beside you as you grow up. I promise I won't give up on you, no matter how these next 10, or even 20 years end up."

He placed a kiss on his boy's cheek, glad he hadn't woken him, and began walking to the door, to he and Martha's room, hoping to sleep peacefully until the new day came.

He never noticed the cherubic smile curving on his son's lips.

** Sad dream, I know. But it does make certain that no way Jonathan is giving up on little Clarkie now. Do not own Smallville.  
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